Rest in Pieces

Hmmm...... Well tonight was pretty good. Entertainment Night was great and so was Steak 'n Shake, but something was off. My feelings had gone from sad to mad. It is so bad. I am a little upset with God. I don't like feeling so angry with my Father, but I don't understand what is going on. The information that I will give will really shed a little more light on things, but at this point, being "outed" isn't even a big deal.

So why am I mad with God? Well, there were two questions that I kept asking at Steak 'n Shake as well as when we were leaving. "What are you doing God?" and "Why are you doing it?" were the two questions. I keep asking what God is doing because I truly just don't get it. I felt like, YES, God is giving me this opportunity to do something more. Truly show that my feelings are real. But I got blocked. I literally felt like a wall was put up in front of me. I was trying to break it down but there was really nothing I could do.It's like, I am trying my best to do what I can with the time that we have left, but something keeps getting in the way. I keep asking God to help me with this and there are times where He truly does, but other times He will not allow me to make a move. And it's those times when the opportunities are so perfect.

I was also asking WHY God would do this? Like really, He is the only one who knows how much this means to me. He is the only one that truly understands how serious I am and how this affects me each and every day. But He is blocking me. I keep reminding myself that it is His will but sometimes I just can't keep that in my mind. As I write this, my anger is actually dying down. I am beginning to get angry with myself for being angry with God. I just want more. I need more. I know I said that this would shed a light on things, maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but I need all of you to understand that I am not okay. I am trying my hardest to just be content and satisfied, but I can't. Sure, if God tells me to leave it alone I can, but that doesn't mean that I want to. Ugh...... I need to rid myself of this. I want God to literally just push me to the person so I can come right out and say it. There you go. That gives you even more information on what I am talking about. Which brings me to another thing. If said person were to read this, it could hurt me in the end. But I guess God will do what is meant to be done.

So I impatiently wait for the day to come when I can do just that..... But until that day comes, know that I am hurting inside. I am not trying to have you all feel bad, I am just telling it how it is.

Gnite everyone

Rest in Pieces - Saliva